Born: May 13, 1999
                   Died: February 3, 2008

                   My thoughts are buried with you forever

Once upon a time, not so long ago, I fell in love. And there was laughing and funny breaths and happiness. There was much rejoicing. And then, SHUT! Over. Gone. Dead. Completely cut off. Disconnected. The taste is still fresh in my mouth. The smell is still on my skin. The feeling left in my fingertips. But I can’t get that feeling back. I may spend my entire life trying to get back into that Polariod. Fighting all the way. The best thing I have ever known. Even now, years later, anytime I come close to it I want to dive in. Sink or swim. I don’t care. I would give anything to be even in the room next to it. Across the street. A breath away. Remembering what I never let myself forget. Looking someone in the eye and knowing; another time, another place, it is right there. In front of me. Within reach. Just open my fingers and wrap them around it. Hold it tightly. And never let it go. Never. Never. I fought. I fought hard. But only with myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should have fought harder. With him. With it. Tried to work it out. It all made sense for about fifteen seconds. Just enough time to say, "You’re right." What the hell was I thinking. Why didn’t I say . . . . something. My line of thinking was ?if he doesn’t want it, I don’t want to push it.? Why try to keep him where he doesn’t want to be? But he did want to be there. He had to. He was happy. There were nights I cried. When we were together and then he took me at the bus station and on the way home I cried. Not because I was sad, or even missed him already, but because I was happy. So happy I couldn’t contain myself. I talked to God. Whether I believed in him or not. And I said thank you. Over and over. Again and again. I couldn’t believe it was real. That I could actually touch him. Kiss him. Look into his brown eyes and see myself. But I could. I had seen him before. And I said to myself "He was light years beyond me. Another plane. Another class. So sure. Not for me." I couldn’t even dream it. No way could I ever make it real. Did he feel what I felt? I have to believe he did. If I didn’t it would be so hard to breathe. So hard to get up in the morning. So hard to be. No one will be him. No one will have those brown eyes. No one will have that one lock of hair hiding all his secrets. And no one, ever again (shudder) will make me whole. Not like that. I’m scared. I’m so scared. What if it is real? What if never? What if I’m right? Do you ever wonder, do you ever ask yourself, "can I live without love?? Can I open my eyes? I’m afraid to. There is a feeling. You know it. This trembling completeness. This warmth. That makes everything big. And you are ten feet tall all the time. Everyone is looking at you. You are the one. The one he chose. The one he calls when everything is wrong, and when everything is right! He is the one who reaches out for you. For me. He once said "I need you." I was done. That was what I was looking for all my life. Those words. For something so pure as this creature to need ME! Could not be real. Could not be my life. But it was. Of course, it WAS! It isn’t anymore. It is gone. So far away. And it will never be there again. I see little pieces of it everywhere. A glance, a smile, a touch. I feel desperate. I feel alone. So much out there. But I only want to hear one thing. Not sure what. But I will know. If I ever get the chance. I will stretch out my fingers, grasp it tightly, and NEVER LET IT GO! But till then; I will be here. With my open hand. And my desperate heart. And my cold skin. Slowly, regrettably, forgetting just enough that I can survive from one day to the next. To remember is to suffer. To see what was and then look at what is. To hear a voice, feel my heart stop. Watch my breath studder in the cold. He. He can be almost anyone. He can read me like a book. I will open to any page for anyone. Cover to cover. Nothing to hide. Not the fear, the pain, or the hopelessness. It is all there. Large print ; easy to read. Secrets dissolve in tears. Dissipating into honesty, innocence, need. I was lost and now I’m found or was I? I was blind but now I see or then again maybe I don’t want to…’You’ll get over it…’ It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particular ness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over isnt made anodyne by death…

I’ve been pushed down so many times
I feel this time will be the last
as I lay here fading
my thoughts are invaded by memories of my past
I feel the pressures of shame and rejection building
as I lay here on the floor
I have no strength to get up
I’m not worth it any more

Pain… Tension… Fatigue…
Depression…
Anger, Aggression, Frustration.
All these unwanted sensations -
Burning, hurting, tearing.
My heart alone, cold and fearing.
Why won’t you let me sleep, let me rest,
Let me forget
To eradicate, eliminate, destroy all my regrets?
These memories inside, swirling, twirling,
unwilling to reside in the corner of my mind.
Repeating, resisting, insisting -
Refusing to be denied its recognition
Of its position in my
Frustration, Confusion, Delusion.
Ah, to close my eyes and let time fly by,
Because there’s so much to gain
By forgetting these dreams driving me insane.
Unfocused, unclear, out of control,
My world spinning, spinning, spinning,
My sanity flying through the door.
My reason, my logic, oh, it’s tragic,
Like fine sands running through my hands,
I’m losing my mind.

I once knew a lady named
Misery
she lived in a damaged world
she calls to me in transparent dreams

a lonely star
outside
the closed universe

she was my twisted soul

long ago
she experienced
the darkest of
pain

beauty was something
she could not
believe

I once knew an angel named
Evil
she traveled like a
ghost into the shadows

her heart was dying for some form of
life

all seems balanced
now
the angel burns to
die

-jsmith

Have You ever loved someone
But knew they didn’t care?
Have You ever felt like crying
But Knew you’d get no where?

Have you ever looked into their eyes
And said a little prayer?
Have you ever looked into their hearts
And wished that you were there?

Have you ever felt their heartbeat,
When the lights were turned down low?
Have you ever whispered "God, I love You"
But you’ll never let me show?

Love is grand, yet it hurts so much.
The price you pay is high.
If I could choose between Love and Death,
I’d rather choose to die.

So do not fall in love, my friend,
It doesn’t pay a dime.
It only causes broken hearts,
Yet it happens all the time.

So do not fall in love, my friend,
You’ll hurt before it’s through.
I ought to know, my friend -
I fell in love with you.

-hachem

WORDS can KILL!!!! So think more than enough before you let one out!!!!

Daylight on my shoulder
Makes me feel alive
You kept me standing in your shadow
And it’s a cold cold place to hide

I’m running away from this messed up place
I’m breaking free, yeah yeah

I know you won’t let me
just turn and walk away
You tied me up, kick me around
Trying to kill my dreams and break me down
But I won’t hang around
I’m running away from this messed up place
I’m breaking free

Daylight on my shoulder
I know its time to run
Yes I know its time to run

I’m tired of staring at the sun
Can’t stand the way you burn my eyes so I can’t see
Stealing every breath I breathe
You push me into overdrive
And I don’t need this kind of high ‘coz now I’m done
You took everything while I was staring at the sun

is it unfair
would you be aware
if i might
catch you in a stare
now tell me if it’s okay
if i walk past your door today
i’m runnin out of happy things to say
but i don’t need a funny line
‘coz nobody laughs at a castle
that’s crawling down
with ev’ry word you
ev’ry game you
ev’ry hate
come on now tell me
would it be a better day for you
if you bring me down?
you got your coat and tie
and you’re lookin so cool
in front of the tv camera
all that just to tell us we’ll be gone
now tell me is it all okay
if i tell you you’re fuckin gay
don’t anyone have a happy thing to say
but i don’t need a funny line
‘coz nobody laughs at a castle
that’s crumbling down
with ev’ry word you
ev’ry game you
ev’ry hate
come on now tell me
would it be a better day for you
if you bring me down?
kill me a little
kill me a little every day
is it unfair (is it unfair)
to be aware (come on kill me)
if i might ever catch you in a stare
but i don’t need a funny line
‘coz nobody laughs at my castle
that crumbles down
with ev’ry word you
ev’ry game you
ev’ry hate
come on now tell me
would it be a better day for you
if you bring me down
why don’t you tell me
would it be a better day for you
if you bring me down
bring me down
bring me down
bring me down

Thought for the day:

NEVER explain yourself to anyone because…

the person who LIKES you doesn’t need it

and the person who DISLIKE you won’t believe it!!

What the person hears is their own listening of you, not you!!
*diba kapatid?? :p